How to Make a Shy Person Talk
Smile., Make the first move., Ask open-ended questions., Be an active listener., Look for signals that the person isn't engaged., Avoid dominating the conversation., Steer the conversation to subjects the shy person likes., End on a positive note.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Smile.
Before making contact with the shy person, you can let them know you’re a friendly and inviting personality by flashing a genuine smile, as though you're smiling at an old friend, not a stranger.
It’s a small, simple gesture, but it can do wonders to open up channels of communication and start building trust.
This is because, unlike other body language and gestures which vary across different cultures and historical periods, smiling constitutes a universally positive signal.Smiling has even been shown to have positive psychological effects for the person who is smiling, so remember that your friendly face isn’t just a good tool for conversation. -
Step 2: Make the first move.
Dealing with a shy person means you’ll probably have to extend the first overture.
After smiling from a distance, approach the shy person with a warm greeting.
Introduce yourself and have a topic ready so that you can get the conversation rolling immediately.
For example, bring up a book you've been reading or a short, funny anecdote.Taking the initiative and approaching first takes pressure off the other person and puts them at ease.While you should try to avoid clichéd, boring comments about the weather, you don't need to find a dazzling, original greeting.
A simple, "Hi, how are you?" will do the job just fine., The best way to get a conversation started and keep it going is to ask questions.
All questions aren’t equally helpful, though.
Those which ask for a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response will stop conversation dead in its tracks just as quickly as silence will, so make sure your questions are thoughtful and open-ended.For example, instead of saying, "Do you like this music?" you might say, "What kinds of music do you listen to?” Avoid controversial topics with someone you just met! Otherwise showing an interest in someone is a great way to make them like you instantly. , Being a good listener is one of the most important interpersonal skills and also one of the most difficult, so showing you’re a good listener will encourage the person to open up and trust you.Show the person that you’re listening to them and engaged by making eye contact, keeping your face turned toward them, and nodding occasionally.
Ask follow-up questions or restate their points to confirm you are listening.For example, if the person has just expressed an opinion or explained a complex idea, paraphrase what they've said in order to clarify that you've understood correctly.
Try, "So, what you're saying is..."
Sometimes even your best efforts to make small talk will be fruitless.
If the person you're talking to gives short, one-word answers, avoids eye contact, and steps back from you, chances are they're not just shy — they're also not interested in talking to you.
Don't sweat it when this happens: you won't connect with everyone you ever talk to, so it's not a personal insult or failure when you don't hit it off.
Cut your losses and move on to someone who's happy to talk.This doesn't mean you have to be rude or abrupt.
Smile, tell the person it was a pleasure meeting them, and excuse yourself. , A shy person’s reticence can make it tempting to fill the silence with your own chatter, but try to resist this impulse.
Talking for extended periods of time may relieve the other person’s uncertainty and anxiety, but it’s unlikely to draw them out and get them talking.
Keep asking questions about the other person and give them time to answer.
It can help to remind yourself that, despite what pop culture might tell you, silence isn’t necessarily awkward.
On the contrary, a meaningful pause can signal thoughtfulness and respect, so try not to panic the moment a wave of silence sets in.If it feels like you're pulling teeth to get the other person to talk, you might want to consider wrapping up the conversation.
You can do this in a graceful manner by excusing yourself to go get a drink or say hello to an acquaintance and making sure that you make eye contact before withdrawing., Once you’ve uncovered a few things that the shy person enjoys, guide the conversation in the direction of these personal preferences.
You can do this easily by playing the student and asking your interlocutor to explain or elaborate.For example, if the person has revealed that they love cooking, you can say something like, "I don't know much about cooking but I've always wanted to get better at it.
How can I start doing that? What are some of your favorite recipes?" These learning-centered questions will show your interest while getting the person talking about something they love and feel confident about.
If you don’t share their interests, try to suspend judgment and avoid expressing your conflicting tastes.
This doesn’t mean you have to lie or pander, though.
Just try to keep an open mind and stay away from strong statements of disgust or disapproval. , Once you’ve concluded your conversation, make sure your interlocutor walks away feeling good about the interaction.
You can do this by saying what a pleasure it was to talk or expressing interest in continuing the conversation at another time.
If they walk away thinking that you appreciate and like them, they’ll be more likely to branch out and talk in the future.
If you’re at a business or networking event, shake hands before you part ways.
Friendly, personal contact is a good way to show respect and attentiveness while helping to leave a lasting, unique impression on your conversation partner. -
Step 3: Ask open-ended questions.
-
Step 4: Be an active listener.
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Step 5: Look for signals that the person isn't engaged.
-
Step 6: Avoid dominating the conversation.
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Step 7: Steer the conversation to subjects the shy person likes.
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Step 8: End on a positive note.
Detailed Guide
Before making contact with the shy person, you can let them know you’re a friendly and inviting personality by flashing a genuine smile, as though you're smiling at an old friend, not a stranger.
It’s a small, simple gesture, but it can do wonders to open up channels of communication and start building trust.
This is because, unlike other body language and gestures which vary across different cultures and historical periods, smiling constitutes a universally positive signal.Smiling has even been shown to have positive psychological effects for the person who is smiling, so remember that your friendly face isn’t just a good tool for conversation.
Dealing with a shy person means you’ll probably have to extend the first overture.
After smiling from a distance, approach the shy person with a warm greeting.
Introduce yourself and have a topic ready so that you can get the conversation rolling immediately.
For example, bring up a book you've been reading or a short, funny anecdote.Taking the initiative and approaching first takes pressure off the other person and puts them at ease.While you should try to avoid clichéd, boring comments about the weather, you don't need to find a dazzling, original greeting.
A simple, "Hi, how are you?" will do the job just fine., The best way to get a conversation started and keep it going is to ask questions.
All questions aren’t equally helpful, though.
Those which ask for a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ response will stop conversation dead in its tracks just as quickly as silence will, so make sure your questions are thoughtful and open-ended.For example, instead of saying, "Do you like this music?" you might say, "What kinds of music do you listen to?” Avoid controversial topics with someone you just met! Otherwise showing an interest in someone is a great way to make them like you instantly. , Being a good listener is one of the most important interpersonal skills and also one of the most difficult, so showing you’re a good listener will encourage the person to open up and trust you.Show the person that you’re listening to them and engaged by making eye contact, keeping your face turned toward them, and nodding occasionally.
Ask follow-up questions or restate their points to confirm you are listening.For example, if the person has just expressed an opinion or explained a complex idea, paraphrase what they've said in order to clarify that you've understood correctly.
Try, "So, what you're saying is..."
Sometimes even your best efforts to make small talk will be fruitless.
If the person you're talking to gives short, one-word answers, avoids eye contact, and steps back from you, chances are they're not just shy — they're also not interested in talking to you.
Don't sweat it when this happens: you won't connect with everyone you ever talk to, so it's not a personal insult or failure when you don't hit it off.
Cut your losses and move on to someone who's happy to talk.This doesn't mean you have to be rude or abrupt.
Smile, tell the person it was a pleasure meeting them, and excuse yourself. , A shy person’s reticence can make it tempting to fill the silence with your own chatter, but try to resist this impulse.
Talking for extended periods of time may relieve the other person’s uncertainty and anxiety, but it’s unlikely to draw them out and get them talking.
Keep asking questions about the other person and give them time to answer.
It can help to remind yourself that, despite what pop culture might tell you, silence isn’t necessarily awkward.
On the contrary, a meaningful pause can signal thoughtfulness and respect, so try not to panic the moment a wave of silence sets in.If it feels like you're pulling teeth to get the other person to talk, you might want to consider wrapping up the conversation.
You can do this in a graceful manner by excusing yourself to go get a drink or say hello to an acquaintance and making sure that you make eye contact before withdrawing., Once you’ve uncovered a few things that the shy person enjoys, guide the conversation in the direction of these personal preferences.
You can do this easily by playing the student and asking your interlocutor to explain or elaborate.For example, if the person has revealed that they love cooking, you can say something like, "I don't know much about cooking but I've always wanted to get better at it.
How can I start doing that? What are some of your favorite recipes?" These learning-centered questions will show your interest while getting the person talking about something they love and feel confident about.
If you don’t share their interests, try to suspend judgment and avoid expressing your conflicting tastes.
This doesn’t mean you have to lie or pander, though.
Just try to keep an open mind and stay away from strong statements of disgust or disapproval. , Once you’ve concluded your conversation, make sure your interlocutor walks away feeling good about the interaction.
You can do this by saying what a pleasure it was to talk or expressing interest in continuing the conversation at another time.
If they walk away thinking that you appreciate and like them, they’ll be more likely to branch out and talk in the future.
If you’re at a business or networking event, shake hands before you part ways.
Friendly, personal contact is a good way to show respect and attentiveness while helping to leave a lasting, unique impression on your conversation partner.
About the Author
Ruth Cole
Committed to making cooking accessible and understandable for everyone.
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