How to Manage when Two Close Friends Are Fighting
Tell them that you don't want to be involved in their fight., Avoid commiserating., Try to mediate between the two., Disregard the fight altogether.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Tell them that you don't want to be involved in their fight.
This works when there is clearly no right or wrong person, like when someone just hates someone else for no reason (which of course happens).
It's very important to let them know that you will not take sides and you want nothing to do with the drama, or you could end up "trapped" by a question like "Who is right?" or "Who is your better friend?" where no matter what you do, you come off as mean to at least one person. -
Step 2: Avoid commiserating.
This is actually really hard, because the best way to support a friend is usually to nod and say things like "Yeah, that's messed up" and "Wow, they're being such a jerk" when they tell you about things that the other person did to them.
However, if you do that with both of them you will end up coming off as insincere and like you're taking both their sides when you should be taking neither.
Taking sides will only end to problems in your friendships, and it's best to avoid causing unnecessary trouble. , If you are an impartial judge, and they both tell you what happened, you should be able to help them solve the problem.
This is another really hard thing to do, but if you take sides because you knew one person longer or something it will not really help, and so if when you see it all in perspective you can see who's more wrong or more right, it is very important to call them out on it so that they can help themselves.
You may feel like a jerk.
That's okay; as long as you are fair and don't try to be a jerk, they will probably respect you more for being wise enough to see through your own emotions and solve the problem.
There are some times that you should not use this method, however:
If your friend starts to engage in reckless behavior (cutting and other self harm, using drugs or drinking alcohol underage, cutting class or skipping work, breaking the law, doing dirty things with people or trying to commit suicide) you should not do this.
Take their side and try to help them either by reminding them that you are there for them and helping them stop cutting/doing drugs/etc, or telling a trusted adult like a caring parent, doctor or guidance counselor.
Make sure they feel loved and cared for, before trying to help them solve the problem.
It's more important for them to be safe than for them to stop fighting.
If the problem continues, you should try a different approach.
This one is only good for small problems.
Long-term problems and friends who had been dating have different types of problems, which you can find advice for later.
For long term fights, see the next two methods. , Start by pretending not to care.
You might care.
Just fake it.
When they mention something, take out your phone and start texting.
Read a book.
Listen to music.
Just do something to convey that you don't care at all about what they have to say, and as soon as they're done with that, rejoin the conversation.
If you're talking to them alone, and they bring it up, say something along the lines of "I don't really care, please don't get me involved," or something.
Soon, you will end up not actually caring.
This might prompt your friends to realize that their fight is kind of stupid and not worth working about.
However, it depends on the person and some friends might feel betrayed by you or angry, in which case it's best to tell them that you do care about them, just have no interest in the fight. -
Step 3: Try to mediate between the two.
-
Step 4: Disregard the fight altogether.
Detailed Guide
This works when there is clearly no right or wrong person, like when someone just hates someone else for no reason (which of course happens).
It's very important to let them know that you will not take sides and you want nothing to do with the drama, or you could end up "trapped" by a question like "Who is right?" or "Who is your better friend?" where no matter what you do, you come off as mean to at least one person.
This is actually really hard, because the best way to support a friend is usually to nod and say things like "Yeah, that's messed up" and "Wow, they're being such a jerk" when they tell you about things that the other person did to them.
However, if you do that with both of them you will end up coming off as insincere and like you're taking both their sides when you should be taking neither.
Taking sides will only end to problems in your friendships, and it's best to avoid causing unnecessary trouble. , If you are an impartial judge, and they both tell you what happened, you should be able to help them solve the problem.
This is another really hard thing to do, but if you take sides because you knew one person longer or something it will not really help, and so if when you see it all in perspective you can see who's more wrong or more right, it is very important to call them out on it so that they can help themselves.
You may feel like a jerk.
That's okay; as long as you are fair and don't try to be a jerk, they will probably respect you more for being wise enough to see through your own emotions and solve the problem.
There are some times that you should not use this method, however:
If your friend starts to engage in reckless behavior (cutting and other self harm, using drugs or drinking alcohol underage, cutting class or skipping work, breaking the law, doing dirty things with people or trying to commit suicide) you should not do this.
Take their side and try to help them either by reminding them that you are there for them and helping them stop cutting/doing drugs/etc, or telling a trusted adult like a caring parent, doctor or guidance counselor.
Make sure they feel loved and cared for, before trying to help them solve the problem.
It's more important for them to be safe than for them to stop fighting.
If the problem continues, you should try a different approach.
This one is only good for small problems.
Long-term problems and friends who had been dating have different types of problems, which you can find advice for later.
For long term fights, see the next two methods. , Start by pretending not to care.
You might care.
Just fake it.
When they mention something, take out your phone and start texting.
Read a book.
Listen to music.
Just do something to convey that you don't care at all about what they have to say, and as soon as they're done with that, rejoin the conversation.
If you're talking to them alone, and they bring it up, say something along the lines of "I don't really care, please don't get me involved," or something.
Soon, you will end up not actually caring.
This might prompt your friends to realize that their fight is kind of stupid and not worth working about.
However, it depends on the person and some friends might feel betrayed by you or angry, in which case it's best to tell them that you do care about them, just have no interest in the fight.
About the Author
Larry Chapman
Brings years of experience writing about crafts and related subjects.
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