How to Respond when Your Friend Says Something Offensive
Evaluate your circumstances., Give them the benefit of the doubt., Take into consideration the person’s limitations., Decide whether to call out or call in, if anything.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Evaluate your circumstances.
Depending on the situation, it may or may not be a good idea to speak up.
Instead of immediately pointing the finger to call your friend a racist, sexist or any other name appropriate to the comment, take several factors into consideration.
Who is present? Are you around children, bosses, or polite company? Pull the friend aside and remind him/her about the situation and the surroundings.
Remind your friend that the comment could have a serious negative impact and that damage control may be necessary.
How well do you know the person who made the comment? It's often best to...
Pull aside a close or semi-close friend to explain.
Talk privately with your friend if it was a friend-of-your-friend who made the comment.
Casually point out the comment if the person is an acquaintance. -
Step 2: Give them the benefit of the doubt.
Sometimes people slip up and say things that don't reflect their true feelings.
Start with the assumption that their words were a well-meaning mistake.
Your friend may have...
Misread the situation.
For example, your friend might have forgotten that it's okay to drop "f" bombs among other friends, but not in front of your mom.
Been too nervous or stressed out to think clearly.
Sometimes people speak without thinking when they are uncomfortable.
Worded things poorly.
For example, perhaps they were trying to mock racism but accidentally sounded like they supported it.
Been clueless.
Maybe your friend had no idea that "r*tard" was a slur, and will be horrified once they find out. , Limitations don't excuse hurting others, but they can explain why they didn't know better.
Immature individuals or children may comment on an issue without having proper education or knowledge, which may end up sounding offensive.
Alcohol and other substances can impair judgment, leading people to say things that they would never say when clear-minded.
Disabled people may find it challenging to keep up with social norms and/or understanding abstract topics.
They might need you to explain.
People raised within certain environments may not actually realize a comment may be offensive.
For example, a boy or man raised without a guidance regarding misogyny may think that talking down to women is normal and acceptable. , This can depend on the situation, such as how well you know the other person, how others respond to the hurtful remark, your comfort level, and what the desired result is.
Whether you challenge them in public or take them aside in public is ultimately up to you.Calling out someone can describe a harmful dynamic as it happens; for example, publicly challenging a mansplainer in a room full of men who like to talk over women can address the problems in the environment.
The private nature of calling in can help them listen without worrying about protecting their reputation.
Public criticism may frighten people with anxiety disorders, abuse survivors, autistic people, and naturally sensitive people.
When in doubt, call in.Never decide to call someone out simply to make yourself look better.
Your goal is to educate the person, not publicly humiliate them.
Act in good faith. -
Step 3: Take into consideration the person’s limitations.
-
Step 4: Decide whether to call out or call in
-
Step 5: if anything.
Detailed Guide
Depending on the situation, it may or may not be a good idea to speak up.
Instead of immediately pointing the finger to call your friend a racist, sexist or any other name appropriate to the comment, take several factors into consideration.
Who is present? Are you around children, bosses, or polite company? Pull the friend aside and remind him/her about the situation and the surroundings.
Remind your friend that the comment could have a serious negative impact and that damage control may be necessary.
How well do you know the person who made the comment? It's often best to...
Pull aside a close or semi-close friend to explain.
Talk privately with your friend if it was a friend-of-your-friend who made the comment.
Casually point out the comment if the person is an acquaintance.
Sometimes people slip up and say things that don't reflect their true feelings.
Start with the assumption that their words were a well-meaning mistake.
Your friend may have...
Misread the situation.
For example, your friend might have forgotten that it's okay to drop "f" bombs among other friends, but not in front of your mom.
Been too nervous or stressed out to think clearly.
Sometimes people speak without thinking when they are uncomfortable.
Worded things poorly.
For example, perhaps they were trying to mock racism but accidentally sounded like they supported it.
Been clueless.
Maybe your friend had no idea that "r*tard" was a slur, and will be horrified once they find out. , Limitations don't excuse hurting others, but they can explain why they didn't know better.
Immature individuals or children may comment on an issue without having proper education or knowledge, which may end up sounding offensive.
Alcohol and other substances can impair judgment, leading people to say things that they would never say when clear-minded.
Disabled people may find it challenging to keep up with social norms and/or understanding abstract topics.
They might need you to explain.
People raised within certain environments may not actually realize a comment may be offensive.
For example, a boy or man raised without a guidance regarding misogyny may think that talking down to women is normal and acceptable. , This can depend on the situation, such as how well you know the other person, how others respond to the hurtful remark, your comfort level, and what the desired result is.
Whether you challenge them in public or take them aside in public is ultimately up to you.Calling out someone can describe a harmful dynamic as it happens; for example, publicly challenging a mansplainer in a room full of men who like to talk over women can address the problems in the environment.
The private nature of calling in can help them listen without worrying about protecting their reputation.
Public criticism may frighten people with anxiety disorders, abuse survivors, autistic people, and naturally sensitive people.
When in doubt, call in.Never decide to call someone out simply to make yourself look better.
Your goal is to educate the person, not publicly humiliate them.
Act in good faith.
About the Author
Doris Smith
Writer and educator with a focus on practical pet care knowledge.
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