How to Set Boundaries with People
Talk about what time you need to yourself., Be straightforward about your needs., Let them know what you won’t put up with., Move at your own pace., Talk about your physical boundaries., Communicate any consequences.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Talk about what time you need to yourself.
It’s common to want to spend a lot of time with your partner, particularly if the relationship is new.
However, everyone needs time to themselves.
Talk to your partner about how much time you need alone and if they are preventing that in some ways.
Similarly, listen to and respect what your partner needs.
You may become suffocating if you only want them to spend time with you.
For instance, you could say, “I really enjoy spending time with you.
However, I also need time to myself and to spend with others outside of you, like my friends and family.
It’s nothing against you.
I just also want to see them, as well.” You may want to reconsider the relationship if they can’t accept what you need. -
Step 2: Be straightforward about your needs.
Fights often ensue because of miscommunication.
Your partner may not know what you need if you aren’t direct about it.
They may do something else because they think that’s what you want, but only end up upsetting you as a result.
For example, you could say, “I really need you to respect that I want to be left alone for the first hour I’m awake.
I’m not a morning person and I’ll be in a much better mood if I have that alone time as soon as I wake up.”, Some partners attempt to control the relationship, as well as their significant others.
Tell your partner as soon as they display this behavior if you aren’t willing to tolerate their actions.
Stay strong with your decision or else they may resort back to acting this way again.
Trying saying, “I enjoy being in a relationship with you, but I’m not willing to allow you to tell me what I can and cannot do.
I respect you enough not to treat you that way, and I expect you to do the same.” They may initially become upset, but if they want to make the relationship work, they will respect your boundaries.Make sure to give them the benefit of the doubt.
It is not fair to hold something against your partner if you have never before expressed your needs in that area. , Tell your partner what you are comfortable with emotionally.
Also talk about what you need.
You may require hearing lots of affirmations, or you may not feel comfortable hearing them at all.
It’s important to discuss these boundaries with your partner so that you don’t feel pushed.
For instance, you may feel pressure from your partner to say “I love you” even if you aren’t ready.
Tell them how you feel about them and that you haven’t reached that point yet.
Let them know you don’t want to hurt their feelings, but you also don’t want to lie to them.
You shouldn’t have to say anything you don’t want to in order to make a relationship work., It’s important to let your partner know about any physical boundaries you have from the start, or at least when the subject is brought up.
Sometimes this may occur to you in the heat of the moment while other boundaries may be clear to you upfront.
Just communicate what you need clearly and politely.
Be clear and direct about what you are and aren’t willing to do.
For example, you might find a certain way of cuddling uncomfortable on your back, or there might be some sexual expressions you don't feel comfortable with.
It may be time to move on if your partner can’t respect these boundaries., It can seem harsh, but an important part of boundary-setting is setting consequences for violations.
Your boundaries hold absolutely no weight if you speak them but never enforce any consequences when they are crossed.As you discuss your boundaries with your partner, provide some reasonable repercussions for when they break them.
This might sound like "If you invade my privacy, I will be less likely to share things with you in the future" or "If you are disrespectful to me, I wil cease communication with you." Some consequences might be presented as final outcomes while others are communicated through warnings.
Just be sure to actually follow through and enforce your consequences. -
Step 3: Let them know what you won’t put up with.
-
Step 4: Move at your own pace.
-
Step 5: Talk about your physical boundaries.
-
Step 6: Communicate any consequences.
Detailed Guide
It’s common to want to spend a lot of time with your partner, particularly if the relationship is new.
However, everyone needs time to themselves.
Talk to your partner about how much time you need alone and if they are preventing that in some ways.
Similarly, listen to and respect what your partner needs.
You may become suffocating if you only want them to spend time with you.
For instance, you could say, “I really enjoy spending time with you.
However, I also need time to myself and to spend with others outside of you, like my friends and family.
It’s nothing against you.
I just also want to see them, as well.” You may want to reconsider the relationship if they can’t accept what you need.
Fights often ensue because of miscommunication.
Your partner may not know what you need if you aren’t direct about it.
They may do something else because they think that’s what you want, but only end up upsetting you as a result.
For example, you could say, “I really need you to respect that I want to be left alone for the first hour I’m awake.
I’m not a morning person and I’ll be in a much better mood if I have that alone time as soon as I wake up.”, Some partners attempt to control the relationship, as well as their significant others.
Tell your partner as soon as they display this behavior if you aren’t willing to tolerate their actions.
Stay strong with your decision or else they may resort back to acting this way again.
Trying saying, “I enjoy being in a relationship with you, but I’m not willing to allow you to tell me what I can and cannot do.
I respect you enough not to treat you that way, and I expect you to do the same.” They may initially become upset, but if they want to make the relationship work, they will respect your boundaries.Make sure to give them the benefit of the doubt.
It is not fair to hold something against your partner if you have never before expressed your needs in that area. , Tell your partner what you are comfortable with emotionally.
Also talk about what you need.
You may require hearing lots of affirmations, or you may not feel comfortable hearing them at all.
It’s important to discuss these boundaries with your partner so that you don’t feel pushed.
For instance, you may feel pressure from your partner to say “I love you” even if you aren’t ready.
Tell them how you feel about them and that you haven’t reached that point yet.
Let them know you don’t want to hurt their feelings, but you also don’t want to lie to them.
You shouldn’t have to say anything you don’t want to in order to make a relationship work., It’s important to let your partner know about any physical boundaries you have from the start, or at least when the subject is brought up.
Sometimes this may occur to you in the heat of the moment while other boundaries may be clear to you upfront.
Just communicate what you need clearly and politely.
Be clear and direct about what you are and aren’t willing to do.
For example, you might find a certain way of cuddling uncomfortable on your back, or there might be some sexual expressions you don't feel comfortable with.
It may be time to move on if your partner can’t respect these boundaries., It can seem harsh, but an important part of boundary-setting is setting consequences for violations.
Your boundaries hold absolutely no weight if you speak them but never enforce any consequences when they are crossed.As you discuss your boundaries with your partner, provide some reasonable repercussions for when they break them.
This might sound like "If you invade my privacy, I will be less likely to share things with you in the future" or "If you are disrespectful to me, I wil cease communication with you." Some consequences might be presented as final outcomes while others are communicated through warnings.
Just be sure to actually follow through and enforce your consequences.
About the Author
Brian Ross
Writer and educator with a focus on practical lifestyle knowledge.
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