How to Avoid Misunderstandings with Your Partner
Actively listen., Identify your feelings., Share your feelings with your partner., Adopt a friendly demeanor., Stay focused on the issue., Apologize if necessary.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Actively listen.
Listening to your partner can help you understand what they want and need.Even if they disagree with your opinion or perspective, listening is an important first step in avoiding misunderstandings with your partner.Pay attention to nonverbal information.
For instance, if you ask your partner if they want to go see a movie and they exhale with a “tsh” sound, raise their eyebrows sharply, and reply “Yeah,” they might not want to see a movie even though they said they did.
Rephrase what your partner says.
For instance, if your partner says, “The pasta is a bit stiff still and the water is cold,” you might reply, “It sounds as though the pasta is not done cooking yet, is that right?” Ask questions.
In addition to paraphrasing what your partner says, you should ask questions if there’s anything you don’t understand or wish to obtain more information about. -
Step 2: Identify your feelings.
Sometimes it can be hard to know what you feel.
You might want to push certain feelings away.
This is especially the case with negative feelings like fear, shame, and embarrassment.
But in order to avoid misunderstandings with your partner, you must identify your feelings, no matter how hard it might be.
To identify the feelings you have, concentrate on your thoughts.
If you are thinking about how much you hate your partner, you might be angry.
If you are thinking about how wonderful your partner is, you might be happy.
If you are thinking about how grateful you are to have your partner in your life, you might be feeling love or appreciation.To help you identify what you’re feeling, write a list of emotions on a sheet of paper and go through them one-by-one.
For instance, you might write a list of emotions like angry, sad, happy, and so on.
Move through the list and ask yourself, “Do I have this feeling?” If not, cross it off the list.
If you’re experiencing a certain emotion on your list, circle it.
You might be able to feel more than one emotion at a time.
Once you’ve identified your feeling, acknowledge the feeling by saying to yourself, for instance, “I feel sad” or “I feel angry.” , Once you’ve identified your feelings, you’re ready to share them with your partner.
Your partner loves and cares about you, and you should, therefore, share your feelings with them in order to build a stronger and more honest relationship.Be clear and direct when sharing feelings with you partner.
Do not lie to your partner about your feelings.
Avoid using accusatory language like, “You make me feel…” when expressing your feelings.
Instead, try owning your feelings by saying statements that start with, "I feel..." When sharing your feelings with your partner, avoid accusatory language and combative statements.
Instead, focus on your own experience and feelings.
For instance, instead of saying, “You’re rotten and I hate you for what you said,” try saying, “I felt very bad after our conversation.”State your feeling first and the reason for the feeling after.
If you feel angry with your partner, you could say, for instance, “I am very angry because of everything that occurred this morning.” If you feel sad, you might say, “I’m sad that I have not been able to meet your family yet.” , If your tone is caustic and hostile, your partner might be defensive and your exchange might lead to misunderstanding.
But if your body language is open and your tone of voice friendly, you and your partner are less likely to experience a misunderstanding.For instance, if your partner says, “Hello,” do not sigh, roll your eyes, and huff, “What do you want?” Instead, say, “Hi, honey.
What's up?” Instead of yelling, “I hate you!” try using a calm voice and saying, “I feel rather upset.” You could also adopt friendly body language by, for instance, keeping your arms uncrossed and moving gradually.
Don’t wave your arms rapidly or slam your fist on the table.
These nonverbal forms of communications could intimidate your partner.
Modulate your volume when speaking.
Avoid yelling at your partner or using foul language.
Smile often at your partner to put them at ease and encourage them to communicate clearly and honestly with you.
Be patient when communicating with your partner.
If you find yourself getting frustrated with your partner during conversation, you might soon say something that leads to misunderstanding.
To avoid this, try some relaxing breathing exercises.
Close your eyes and breathe in for three seconds through your nose.
Breathe out four five seconds through your mouth.
Repeat as needed. , Avoid generalizations.
Be specific and direct when communicating with your partner.
In conversation, stick to a single issue and the specific situation you and your partner are engaged in.
For instance, if your partner is frustrating you, don’t say, “You always do this.” Instead, say, “I’m disappointed in the way our interaction is going.” Explain exactly why you’re disappointed and do not characterize your current conflict or misunderstanding as typical if it is not.For instance, if you and your partner are discussing a mutual friend’s personality, avoid swerving off into a conversation about who you and your partner spend time with.
Instead, say “We should really stick to the issue at hand.” If your partner is upset that you always wear your shoes in the house, do not try justifying your behavior by changing the topic to how they never wash the dishes.
Additionally, avoid bringing in unrelated grievances during conversation.
Muddying the issue might lead to misunderstandings.
For instance, do not say, “You never wipe your feet when you come inside!” when discussing how your partner forgot to buy bananas at the grocery store.
Be realistic, fair, and level-headed when in conversation with your partner. , If you’ve noticed that you’ve confused your partner, or have said something you didn’t really mean, apologize for doing so.
For instance, if you’ve said something that caused your partner to ask, “What did you mean by that?” you might reply, “Sorry, let me explain it another way.” This will solve the misunderstanding you’ve already caused and prevent future misunderstandings based on the initial one.Once the conversation is over, reflect on everything that was said.
You might decide that you owe your partner an apology.
If necessary, say, “Thank you for talking to me earlier.
I see now that you are correct.
I am truly sorry.” For instance, if your partner points out that you implied that you were going to be home at 1:00 but you were home at 2:00 and you realize your ambiguous language did leave such a possibility open, say, “Wow, I am very sorry I wasn't clearer I will be more careful next time.” -
Step 3: Share your feelings with your partner.
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Step 4: Adopt a friendly demeanor.
-
Step 5: Stay focused on the issue.
-
Step 6: Apologize if necessary.
Detailed Guide
Listening to your partner can help you understand what they want and need.Even if they disagree with your opinion or perspective, listening is an important first step in avoiding misunderstandings with your partner.Pay attention to nonverbal information.
For instance, if you ask your partner if they want to go see a movie and they exhale with a “tsh” sound, raise their eyebrows sharply, and reply “Yeah,” they might not want to see a movie even though they said they did.
Rephrase what your partner says.
For instance, if your partner says, “The pasta is a bit stiff still and the water is cold,” you might reply, “It sounds as though the pasta is not done cooking yet, is that right?” Ask questions.
In addition to paraphrasing what your partner says, you should ask questions if there’s anything you don’t understand or wish to obtain more information about.
Sometimes it can be hard to know what you feel.
You might want to push certain feelings away.
This is especially the case with negative feelings like fear, shame, and embarrassment.
But in order to avoid misunderstandings with your partner, you must identify your feelings, no matter how hard it might be.
To identify the feelings you have, concentrate on your thoughts.
If you are thinking about how much you hate your partner, you might be angry.
If you are thinking about how wonderful your partner is, you might be happy.
If you are thinking about how grateful you are to have your partner in your life, you might be feeling love or appreciation.To help you identify what you’re feeling, write a list of emotions on a sheet of paper and go through them one-by-one.
For instance, you might write a list of emotions like angry, sad, happy, and so on.
Move through the list and ask yourself, “Do I have this feeling?” If not, cross it off the list.
If you’re experiencing a certain emotion on your list, circle it.
You might be able to feel more than one emotion at a time.
Once you’ve identified your feeling, acknowledge the feeling by saying to yourself, for instance, “I feel sad” or “I feel angry.” , Once you’ve identified your feelings, you’re ready to share them with your partner.
Your partner loves and cares about you, and you should, therefore, share your feelings with them in order to build a stronger and more honest relationship.Be clear and direct when sharing feelings with you partner.
Do not lie to your partner about your feelings.
Avoid using accusatory language like, “You make me feel…” when expressing your feelings.
Instead, try owning your feelings by saying statements that start with, "I feel..." When sharing your feelings with your partner, avoid accusatory language and combative statements.
Instead, focus on your own experience and feelings.
For instance, instead of saying, “You’re rotten and I hate you for what you said,” try saying, “I felt very bad after our conversation.”State your feeling first and the reason for the feeling after.
If you feel angry with your partner, you could say, for instance, “I am very angry because of everything that occurred this morning.” If you feel sad, you might say, “I’m sad that I have not been able to meet your family yet.” , If your tone is caustic and hostile, your partner might be defensive and your exchange might lead to misunderstanding.
But if your body language is open and your tone of voice friendly, you and your partner are less likely to experience a misunderstanding.For instance, if your partner says, “Hello,” do not sigh, roll your eyes, and huff, “What do you want?” Instead, say, “Hi, honey.
What's up?” Instead of yelling, “I hate you!” try using a calm voice and saying, “I feel rather upset.” You could also adopt friendly body language by, for instance, keeping your arms uncrossed and moving gradually.
Don’t wave your arms rapidly or slam your fist on the table.
These nonverbal forms of communications could intimidate your partner.
Modulate your volume when speaking.
Avoid yelling at your partner or using foul language.
Smile often at your partner to put them at ease and encourage them to communicate clearly and honestly with you.
Be patient when communicating with your partner.
If you find yourself getting frustrated with your partner during conversation, you might soon say something that leads to misunderstanding.
To avoid this, try some relaxing breathing exercises.
Close your eyes and breathe in for three seconds through your nose.
Breathe out four five seconds through your mouth.
Repeat as needed. , Avoid generalizations.
Be specific and direct when communicating with your partner.
In conversation, stick to a single issue and the specific situation you and your partner are engaged in.
For instance, if your partner is frustrating you, don’t say, “You always do this.” Instead, say, “I’m disappointed in the way our interaction is going.” Explain exactly why you’re disappointed and do not characterize your current conflict or misunderstanding as typical if it is not.For instance, if you and your partner are discussing a mutual friend’s personality, avoid swerving off into a conversation about who you and your partner spend time with.
Instead, say “We should really stick to the issue at hand.” If your partner is upset that you always wear your shoes in the house, do not try justifying your behavior by changing the topic to how they never wash the dishes.
Additionally, avoid bringing in unrelated grievances during conversation.
Muddying the issue might lead to misunderstandings.
For instance, do not say, “You never wipe your feet when you come inside!” when discussing how your partner forgot to buy bananas at the grocery store.
Be realistic, fair, and level-headed when in conversation with your partner. , If you’ve noticed that you’ve confused your partner, or have said something you didn’t really mean, apologize for doing so.
For instance, if you’ve said something that caused your partner to ask, “What did you mean by that?” you might reply, “Sorry, let me explain it another way.” This will solve the misunderstanding you’ve already caused and prevent future misunderstandings based on the initial one.Once the conversation is over, reflect on everything that was said.
You might decide that you owe your partner an apology.
If necessary, say, “Thank you for talking to me earlier.
I see now that you are correct.
I am truly sorry.” For instance, if your partner points out that you implied that you were going to be home at 1:00 but you were home at 2:00 and you realize your ambiguous language did leave such a possibility open, say, “Wow, I am very sorry I wasn't clearer I will be more careful next time.”
About the Author
Megan Harris
Dedicated to helping readers learn new skills in lifestyle and beyond.
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