How to Love the Unlovable

Step-by-Step Guide

1. 1

   Step 1: Search for the good in this person.

   When dealing with someone that you consider to be unlovable, your first step should be to take a step back and try to reflect on the person as whole.
   
   Ask yourself:
   Is this person really unlovable? Does she actively resist efforts to love her, or is she just a little awkward and standoffish? Does this person really have no positive traits, or have I just not taken the time to look for any?" Try to think of ways — even small ways — in which this person has proven that they're not all bad.
   
   These can be minor acts of kindness they've performed, talents they've demonstrated, or even simply nice things they've said.
   
   Trying to love someone is much easier if you don't start by viewing them as "unlovable" to begin with.
   
   This is why it's such a good idea to look for some minor positive aspect of the person you're trying to love.
   
   By identifying this person's positive qualities, you're disassociating her from the "unlovable" label in your mind.
2. 2

   Step 2: Look for the root cause of this person's behavior.

   It's much easier to love someone who reacts to your efforts to reach out with anger or frustration if you have some sort of idea why this person acts this way.
   
   Some people push others away because they've been hurt in the past and are afraid of opening themselves up to the same kind of pain, while others may simply not know how to interact warmly because they were never taught.
   
   Finally, it's also worth noting that some people may act unlovable due to a genuine personality disorder or mental illness or as the result of abuse.
   
   In any of these cases, understanding why someone who acts so difficult does this can make it much easier to love them.
   
   One way to learn why an unlovable person acts the way she does is to simply get to know her.
   
   In this case, you may want to read the section below on reaching out to unlovable people.
   
   However, if this person is so difficult to be around that making a connection with her is virtually impossible, you may want to try gently broaching the subject with people who know her, like her friends (assuming there are any), family, peers, roommates, and so on. , If the unlovable person you're dealing with has a tendency to lash out at you whenever you try to connect with him, resist the urge to retaliate.
   
   Anyone who's earned the label of being "unlovable" is probably more than used to bearing the brunt of other people's snide remarks, insults, and verbal abuse, so this will get you nowhere.
   
   Instead, make an effort to be kind to this person.
   
   React to his hostility with a smile, a kind remark, or even an offer to help with whatever's bothering him.
   
   Since this is probably an uncommon experience for him, it may surprise him, opening him up to further conversation.
   
   At the very least, it will prove to him that not everyone will meet his anger with their own.
   
   For instance, let's say that you're walking down the hall at school when you notice a student with a reputation as an angry, awkward social outcast approaching you.
   
   You say, "Hi!" and he glowers at you angrily.
   
   Here, if you can, you'll want to react positively without missing a beat.
   
   Smiling and saying "Have a good day!"
   
   for instance, may seem a little cheesy for an ordinary social interaction, but to this person, it may be the only kind thing anyone's said to him all day. , As hinted at above, people who are thought of as "unlovable" often are the subject of jokes, derision, and outright verbal abuse.
   
   This sort of negative attention can discourage them from having positive social interactions with others, leading to a vicious cycle where the negative actions of otherwise decent, normal people reinforce the behavior of the "unlovable" person.
   
   In these sorts of cases, changing the actions of the people around the unlovable person, rather than concentrating solely on the unlovable person, can do serious good.
   
   Try to encourage them to follow your example of treating the unlovable person with kindness even when she's being difficult.
   
   For instance, let's say you're sitting in a classroom waiting for your professor to arrive with the social outcast from the example above and a few popular kids.
   
   If you get the chance, you may want to set the precedent of treating the outcast with kindness by trying to strike up friendly conversation with him before the popular kids even have a chance to ridicule him.
   
   Even if he reacts negatively, you'll have the chance to set the example of meeting this sort of anger with your own kindness. , Some social outcasts and "unlovable" people act the way they do because they feel like they can't make genuine connections with other people and, on the rare occasions when they do, they're not listened to.
   
   While it can be difficult to pinpoint the "signal" of what an unlovable person actually is trying to express in the "noise" of the hostility they may bring to their interactions with you, making it clear that you're trying to do so can be enough to make an impression.
   
   For instance, let's say that, at lunch, you sit next to the social outcast from the example situations above because you notice that he's in the corner by himself.
   
   At first, he gives you the silent treatment, but eventually he sneers, "Geez, can't you tell I want to be left alone?" You might try responding calmly with something like, "Hey, I'm sorry, I actually couldn't tell — I was just trying to trying to get to know new people.
   
   I'll leave if you want, though." This person probably won't immediately apologize and ask you to stay, but, at the very least, he may realize that you've actually taken what he's just said into account, rather than ignoring him or dismissing his words. , Unfortunately, some people with a reputation for being "unlovable" act the way they do because of a genuine biological problem that makes it very difficult, if not impossible, for them to behave the way most people do.
   
   In these cases, the "unlovable" person's bad behavior may not be a matter of choice, so reacting negatively may not merely be ill-advised, but cruel.
   
   If you think that someone with an "unlovable" reputation is exhibiting any of the following disorders and is not receiving help, contact an appropriate authority like a counselor, social worker, or priest.
   
   You may also seek to speak with their trusted contact before disclosing any information about them:
   Clinical Depression:
   Sometimes causes irritability, sadness, lack of motivation, self-loathing, and reckless behavior.Antisocial Personality Disorder:
   Can cause a lack of concern for others' feelings, irritability and aggression, poor impulse control, a lack of guilt or remorse, and callous, selfish behavior.Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
   Can cause an inflated sense of self-worth, an excessive sense of entitlement, envy of others, a strong desire to be admired, a lack of empathy, and excessive anger in response to insults or slights.Avoidant Personality Disorder:
   Can cause an extreme fear of being embarrassed or rejected, an excessively meek and restrained personality, constant anxiety, a fear of risk-taking, and awkwardness in social situations. , Perhaps most tragic of all "unlovable" individuals are those who became the way they are because of some sort of external trauma or abuse.
   
   Extremely traumatic experiences, especially during childhood, can have marked impacts on the way a person, thinks, behaves, and perceives the person around her.
   
   While it can be difficult for an inexperienced person to pinpoint the signs of past abuse, seeing any of the signs below are cause for immediate concern and intervention, so contact a qualified professional (like a teacher, counselor, social worker, etc.) immediately.
   
   Physical abuse:
   Unexplained or mysterious injuries or illnesses.
   
   Injuries often justified as "accidents".
   
   May dress in clothing designed to hide marks of injury (long sleeves, sunglasses, etc.) and/or miss work, school, or social outings.Emotional abuse:
   Low self-esteem, anxiety, and social withdrawal.
   
   If in the context of a relationship, this person may be overly anxious to please their partner, may avoid going out without their partner, may have restricted access to their family, friends, and/or possessions, and may have to frequently "check in" with their partner.
3. 3

   Step 3: Meet anger with kindness.

4. 4

   Step 4: Set a positive example for others.

5. 5

   Step 5: Listen to this person.

6. 6

   Step 6: Recognize the signs of mental/personality disorders.

7. 7

   Step 7: Recognize the signs of trauma and abuse.

Detailed Guide

About the Author