How to Mend a Relationship With an Estranged Son or Daughter
Be clear on what went wrong., Do some self-reflection., Put the ball in your own court., Contact your child., Write a letter., Accept limits they set.
Step-by-Step Guide
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Step 1: Be clear on what went wrong.
Before you attempt to reconnect with your child, it may be helpful to find out why your adult child is upset or angry with you.
You may be able to get the information directly from your child, or you may need to find out from someone else who knows the situation.
In order to mend fences, find out the problem first.Once you have a sense of what has gone wrong, you will have some time to think through your next steps, and what you want to communicate to your son or daughter.
Reach out to your adult child and ask.
You could say, “Renee, I know you aren’t speaking to me right now, and I would like to know what I have done to hurt you.
Could you please let me know? It’s okay if you don’t want to talk to me, but please write or email.
I can’t fix the problem if I don’t know what it is.” If you do not hear a response from your son or daughter, you could get in touch with another family member or mutual friend who might know what’s going on.
You could say, “Jack, have you talked to your sister lately? She’s not speaking to me, and I can’t find out what the problem is.
Do you know what’s going on?” While discovering the reason behind the estrangement would be optimal, be aware that you may not be able to find out what is going on.
However, don’t let that stop you from pursuing reconnecting with your child. -
Step 2: Do some self-reflection.
Spend some time thinking about the reasons behind the estrangement.
Was it triggered by something from the past? Has there recently been a huge change of life that caused the rift (such as a death in the family, or a birth of a child)? Perhaps you even refused to communicate with your child for a period of time, and now find your child unwilling to communicate with you.
Keep in mind that many adult children become estranged from their parents because of their parents’ broken marriage.
Children from a broken marriage experienced their parents prioritizing their happiness over the needs of the child (even if the divorce was for the best).
Often, in these types of situations parents may speak badly about the other parent not realizing that their children are absorbing everything that is being said.
This can have a drastic negative effect on the type of relationship an adult child may have with their parents.
Especially, if there was was one parent that had little to no contact during the child’s upbringing.
Adult children of divorce may be dealing with the pain of feeling like a low priority to their parents., Whether you have done anything wrong or not, parents are generally the ones who have to take the first steps toward reconciling with their estranged children.
Look past the unfairness of the issue and leave your ego behind.
If you want to reconnect with your child, know that you will need to be the one to reach out...and continue reaching out.Whether your child is fourteen or forty, they still want to know that they are loved and valued by their parents.
A way to show you love and value them is that you are willing to fight for your relationship.
Keep this in mind if you struggle with the unfairness of the burden of work it takes to reconnect. , While you may want to meet with them in person right away, it may feel less intrusive to your son or daughter if you reach out via phone call, email, or letter.
Honor their need for distance and give them the opportunity to respond at the time of their choosing.
Be patient and allow a few days for your child’s response.
Rehearse what you want to say before making a phone call.
Be prepared to leave a voicemail, too.
You could say, “Tommy, I would really like for us to get together to talk about how you’re feeling.
Would you be willing to meet with me sometime?” Send an email or text message.
You could write something like, “I understand you’re dealing with a lot of pain right now, and I am so sorry that I have hurt you.
When you are ready, I hope you would be willing to meet with me to talk about it.
Please let me know when you are.
I love and miss you.” , Your child may be unwilling to meet with you.
If that’s the case, you could decide to write them a letter.
Apologize for the hurt you’ve caused, and acknowledge that you understand why they feel the way they do.
Writing a letter can be therapeutic for you, too.
It clarifies your feelings and helps you regulate your emotions.
Plus, you can take as much time as you need to get your words just the way you want them.Suggest that the two of you meet when they are ready.
You could write, “I know you are upset right now, but I hope that, in the future, we can get together and talk about this.
My door is always open.” , Your adult child may be open to communicating with you, but not be ready for a face-to-face meeting (and may never be).
They may only want to email you or talk on the phone.
Avoid guilt-tripping your child while keeping the door open for future encounters down the road.
If you are in an email-only relationship with your adult child, you could write, “I’m very happy that we are communicating via email these days.
I hope we can get to the point where we feel comfortable reconnecting in person, but no pressure.” -
Step 3: Put the ball in your own court.
-
Step 4: Contact your child.
-
Step 5: Write a letter.
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Step 6: Accept limits they set.
Detailed Guide
Before you attempt to reconnect with your child, it may be helpful to find out why your adult child is upset or angry with you.
You may be able to get the information directly from your child, or you may need to find out from someone else who knows the situation.
In order to mend fences, find out the problem first.Once you have a sense of what has gone wrong, you will have some time to think through your next steps, and what you want to communicate to your son or daughter.
Reach out to your adult child and ask.
You could say, “Renee, I know you aren’t speaking to me right now, and I would like to know what I have done to hurt you.
Could you please let me know? It’s okay if you don’t want to talk to me, but please write or email.
I can’t fix the problem if I don’t know what it is.” If you do not hear a response from your son or daughter, you could get in touch with another family member or mutual friend who might know what’s going on.
You could say, “Jack, have you talked to your sister lately? She’s not speaking to me, and I can’t find out what the problem is.
Do you know what’s going on?” While discovering the reason behind the estrangement would be optimal, be aware that you may not be able to find out what is going on.
However, don’t let that stop you from pursuing reconnecting with your child.
Spend some time thinking about the reasons behind the estrangement.
Was it triggered by something from the past? Has there recently been a huge change of life that caused the rift (such as a death in the family, or a birth of a child)? Perhaps you even refused to communicate with your child for a period of time, and now find your child unwilling to communicate with you.
Keep in mind that many adult children become estranged from their parents because of their parents’ broken marriage.
Children from a broken marriage experienced their parents prioritizing their happiness over the needs of the child (even if the divorce was for the best).
Often, in these types of situations parents may speak badly about the other parent not realizing that their children are absorbing everything that is being said.
This can have a drastic negative effect on the type of relationship an adult child may have with their parents.
Especially, if there was was one parent that had little to no contact during the child’s upbringing.
Adult children of divorce may be dealing with the pain of feeling like a low priority to their parents., Whether you have done anything wrong or not, parents are generally the ones who have to take the first steps toward reconciling with their estranged children.
Look past the unfairness of the issue and leave your ego behind.
If you want to reconnect with your child, know that you will need to be the one to reach out...and continue reaching out.Whether your child is fourteen or forty, they still want to know that they are loved and valued by their parents.
A way to show you love and value them is that you are willing to fight for your relationship.
Keep this in mind if you struggle with the unfairness of the burden of work it takes to reconnect. , While you may want to meet with them in person right away, it may feel less intrusive to your son or daughter if you reach out via phone call, email, or letter.
Honor their need for distance and give them the opportunity to respond at the time of their choosing.
Be patient and allow a few days for your child’s response.
Rehearse what you want to say before making a phone call.
Be prepared to leave a voicemail, too.
You could say, “Tommy, I would really like for us to get together to talk about how you’re feeling.
Would you be willing to meet with me sometime?” Send an email or text message.
You could write something like, “I understand you’re dealing with a lot of pain right now, and I am so sorry that I have hurt you.
When you are ready, I hope you would be willing to meet with me to talk about it.
Please let me know when you are.
I love and miss you.” , Your child may be unwilling to meet with you.
If that’s the case, you could decide to write them a letter.
Apologize for the hurt you’ve caused, and acknowledge that you understand why they feel the way they do.
Writing a letter can be therapeutic for you, too.
It clarifies your feelings and helps you regulate your emotions.
Plus, you can take as much time as you need to get your words just the way you want them.Suggest that the two of you meet when they are ready.
You could write, “I know you are upset right now, but I hope that, in the future, we can get together and talk about this.
My door is always open.” , Your adult child may be open to communicating with you, but not be ready for a face-to-face meeting (and may never be).
They may only want to email you or talk on the phone.
Avoid guilt-tripping your child while keeping the door open for future encounters down the road.
If you are in an email-only relationship with your adult child, you could write, “I’m very happy that we are communicating via email these days.
I hope we can get to the point where we feel comfortable reconnecting in person, but no pressure.”
About the Author
Nancy Gomez
Enthusiastic about teaching hobbies techniques through clear, step-by-step guides.
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