How to Get Out of a Fight with Your Best Friend
Isolate the problem., If you and your friend actually had a confrontation, think about how the situation progressed from your side., If no actual confrontation occurred and you feel that your friend is ignoring you because you have done something to...
Step-by-Step Guide
-
Step 1: Isolate the problem.
Before you can fix the situation, you need to know what went wrong.
You need to go beneath the "he-said, she-said" banter and determine what was the underlying cause of the conflict.
Consider: -
Step 2: If you and your friend actually had a confrontation
What really ticked you off? Did your response escalate the tension? If so, how? Make a list of what you felt the main problems were and think about what your friend may have thought from their perspective.
Practice empathy by putting yourself in their shoes and considering possible misinterpretations.
If you know that your anger led you to do something that hurt your friend, apologize for that action (if you feel sorry and truthfully think it is bad) now and state that you didn't intend for that to happen.
Sometimes fights over one thing escalate into name-calling and drawing in tangential conflicts.
If you know you crossed a line, apologize now to show that you've realized you erroneously let your anger get the best of you and to demonstrate that you're ready to talk about the fundamental issue. , Did you say or do something that could be perceived as offensive? Did you fail to consider your friend's feelings on a sensitive topic? You may want to consult mutual friends who know both of you well but don't let the conversation devolve into gossiping or accusations.
Your goal is to do what you can to figure out what is wrong, but if you're at a dead end, you'll want to just start a conversation with your friend and ask. , Sit down and try to determine what set you off.
Have you been stewing over something for awhile? Did your friend make a dumb comment that you took too personally? Are you just having a bad day? If the answers to those questions indicate that your anger should be short-term and insufficient to justify terminating your friendship, then you should think about what it will take for you to be able to forgive your friend. , First consider it from your perspective and what changes you are willing to, or feel that you should, make.
This is the starting point for a compromise.
Then think of what you would like to ask your friend to do.
But remember, friendships and trust cannot be easily mended.
If it's a one-sided situation in which you are 100% at fault for wronging your friend or vice versa, you might be able to just propose action items for one party.
However, remember that even if one person hurt the other, it could have been completely unintentional and the result of a reasonable understanding.
An agreement can be made for the victim to try not to take such things so personally in the future, to not be so paranoid or sensitive, etc.
This may just be a difference in personality that both parties will struggle to overcome
-- one party trying to be more sensitive to others' feelings and the other party trying to not take things as personally
-- but that is the dynamic that marks strong friendships.
Come up with reasonable pledges that both sides will feel are fair and relatively equal (or at least proportional to the blame).
Don't be vindictive or think of this is a competition in which you're trying to win over your friend.
That's not what resolving conflicts is about, and you'll have to leave such antagonistic thoughts at the door before you have a chance of succeeding. , Send a note to your friend explaining that you've been doing some reflection over your confrontation, and you think that both of you would benefit from a calm discussion over the fundamental conflict.
You'd like to hear their side of the story
-- a conversation needs to happen before actual reconciliation can occur, and you hope that your friend would take the time to sit down with you soon.
Pick the right moment.
If possible, try to find a time when you can privately apologize to your friend in-person.
If that won't work, offer a phone call or a note.
Only text your apology as an absolute last resort. , It's the best way to genuinely show your friend that you would like to reconcile.
Use "I" statements and assign yourself the blame.
Don't apologize in a way that blames your friend.
Instead of saying "I'm sorry you felt offended by what I said," say, "I'm sorry that I offended you by saying (what you said that was hurtful)." The first sentence puts the blame on your friend; the second one assigns it to you.
Try not to offer a litany of excuses.
Share your side of the story with I-messages about how you felt in the situation to give your friend some perspective, but don't frame things in a way that makes it seem like you're trying to avoid guilt. (For example, you could try, "I felt threatened when you tried out for the same part" instead of "I can't believe you'd audition when you know how badly I want that part!").
Be sincere.
Only apologize if you're truly sorry.
Otherwise, your friend will be able to see that you don't mean it.
If you're still angry, take some time to calm down and come to a place where you feel sorry. , He or she might still be actively angry.
Allow him or her to express his or her feelings, and then communicate again that you're sorry.
Ask if there's anything else you can do to make it up to your friend. , A peace offering can be as simple as offering a hug, or elaborate as making your friend a gift.
Whatever it is, it should convey a sense of goodwill and let your friend know that you value him or her.
Here are some ideas:
Write a nice letter outlining why you two are friends in the first place.
Make a batch of cookies.
Offer to help your friend run a tiresome errand.
Suggest a fun activity you can do together.
Film yourself singing a song about him or her such as "My best friend X is so kind.
I think he/she is really fine.
We like cherries and apple pie, but most of all we like fries." Keep it a little humorous, but don't make it too sappy.
The aim of this song is to have a good laugh together and bring back the peace. , Don't dwell on the fight or keep bringing it up.
Instead, work hard at settling back into your normal routine and treating your friend like the argument never happened.
You and your friend should both let things go to give each other the chance to re-earn their trust. , If you've sincerely tried to apologize, demonstrate your friendship, or seek help and your friend has continued to reject your efforts, it might be time to end the friendship.
Someone who can't appreciate what you're doing to try to fix the problem is either too angry to reconcile or shouldn't be your friend in the first place.
Leave the door open.
Don't take this opportunity to bring up every single thing your friend has ever done to anger you and truly burn your bridges.
Instead, let him or her know that you're sorry that the friendship is broken, and you're willing to revisit it when the other person is ready. -
Step 3: think about how the situation progressed from your side.
-
Step 4: If no actual confrontation occurred and you feel that your friend is ignoring you because you have done something to hurt him or her
-
Step 5: think about how your last interaction occurred.
-
Step 6: Take a break if you're the one who's upset.
-
Step 7: Once you know the problem
-
Step 8: think about how it can be solved.
-
Step 9: Set up a conversation with your friend.
-
Step 10: Think honestly and hard about what you did wrong in this situation and prepare yourself to apologize.
-
Step 11: Allow your friend to vent a little.
-
Step 12: Make a peace offering.
-
Step 13: Get back to normal as soon as possible.
-
Step 14: Know when to move on.
Detailed Guide
Before you can fix the situation, you need to know what went wrong.
You need to go beneath the "he-said, she-said" banter and determine what was the underlying cause of the conflict.
Consider:
What really ticked you off? Did your response escalate the tension? If so, how? Make a list of what you felt the main problems were and think about what your friend may have thought from their perspective.
Practice empathy by putting yourself in their shoes and considering possible misinterpretations.
If you know that your anger led you to do something that hurt your friend, apologize for that action (if you feel sorry and truthfully think it is bad) now and state that you didn't intend for that to happen.
Sometimes fights over one thing escalate into name-calling and drawing in tangential conflicts.
If you know you crossed a line, apologize now to show that you've realized you erroneously let your anger get the best of you and to demonstrate that you're ready to talk about the fundamental issue. , Did you say or do something that could be perceived as offensive? Did you fail to consider your friend's feelings on a sensitive topic? You may want to consult mutual friends who know both of you well but don't let the conversation devolve into gossiping or accusations.
Your goal is to do what you can to figure out what is wrong, but if you're at a dead end, you'll want to just start a conversation with your friend and ask. , Sit down and try to determine what set you off.
Have you been stewing over something for awhile? Did your friend make a dumb comment that you took too personally? Are you just having a bad day? If the answers to those questions indicate that your anger should be short-term and insufficient to justify terminating your friendship, then you should think about what it will take for you to be able to forgive your friend. , First consider it from your perspective and what changes you are willing to, or feel that you should, make.
This is the starting point for a compromise.
Then think of what you would like to ask your friend to do.
But remember, friendships and trust cannot be easily mended.
If it's a one-sided situation in which you are 100% at fault for wronging your friend or vice versa, you might be able to just propose action items for one party.
However, remember that even if one person hurt the other, it could have been completely unintentional and the result of a reasonable understanding.
An agreement can be made for the victim to try not to take such things so personally in the future, to not be so paranoid or sensitive, etc.
This may just be a difference in personality that both parties will struggle to overcome
-- one party trying to be more sensitive to others' feelings and the other party trying to not take things as personally
-- but that is the dynamic that marks strong friendships.
Come up with reasonable pledges that both sides will feel are fair and relatively equal (or at least proportional to the blame).
Don't be vindictive or think of this is a competition in which you're trying to win over your friend.
That's not what resolving conflicts is about, and you'll have to leave such antagonistic thoughts at the door before you have a chance of succeeding. , Send a note to your friend explaining that you've been doing some reflection over your confrontation, and you think that both of you would benefit from a calm discussion over the fundamental conflict.
You'd like to hear their side of the story
-- a conversation needs to happen before actual reconciliation can occur, and you hope that your friend would take the time to sit down with you soon.
Pick the right moment.
If possible, try to find a time when you can privately apologize to your friend in-person.
If that won't work, offer a phone call or a note.
Only text your apology as an absolute last resort. , It's the best way to genuinely show your friend that you would like to reconcile.
Use "I" statements and assign yourself the blame.
Don't apologize in a way that blames your friend.
Instead of saying "I'm sorry you felt offended by what I said," say, "I'm sorry that I offended you by saying (what you said that was hurtful)." The first sentence puts the blame on your friend; the second one assigns it to you.
Try not to offer a litany of excuses.
Share your side of the story with I-messages about how you felt in the situation to give your friend some perspective, but don't frame things in a way that makes it seem like you're trying to avoid guilt. (For example, you could try, "I felt threatened when you tried out for the same part" instead of "I can't believe you'd audition when you know how badly I want that part!").
Be sincere.
Only apologize if you're truly sorry.
Otherwise, your friend will be able to see that you don't mean it.
If you're still angry, take some time to calm down and come to a place where you feel sorry. , He or she might still be actively angry.
Allow him or her to express his or her feelings, and then communicate again that you're sorry.
Ask if there's anything else you can do to make it up to your friend. , A peace offering can be as simple as offering a hug, or elaborate as making your friend a gift.
Whatever it is, it should convey a sense of goodwill and let your friend know that you value him or her.
Here are some ideas:
Write a nice letter outlining why you two are friends in the first place.
Make a batch of cookies.
Offer to help your friend run a tiresome errand.
Suggest a fun activity you can do together.
Film yourself singing a song about him or her such as "My best friend X is so kind.
I think he/she is really fine.
We like cherries and apple pie, but most of all we like fries." Keep it a little humorous, but don't make it too sappy.
The aim of this song is to have a good laugh together and bring back the peace. , Don't dwell on the fight or keep bringing it up.
Instead, work hard at settling back into your normal routine and treating your friend like the argument never happened.
You and your friend should both let things go to give each other the chance to re-earn their trust. , If you've sincerely tried to apologize, demonstrate your friendship, or seek help and your friend has continued to reject your efforts, it might be time to end the friendship.
Someone who can't appreciate what you're doing to try to fix the problem is either too angry to reconcile or shouldn't be your friend in the first place.
Leave the door open.
Don't take this opportunity to bring up every single thing your friend has ever done to anger you and truly burn your bridges.
Instead, let him or her know that you're sorry that the friendship is broken, and you're willing to revisit it when the other person is ready.
About the Author
Scott Wright
Scott Wright has dedicated 9 years to mastering lifestyle and practical guides. As a content creator, Scott focuses on providing actionable tips and step-by-step guides.
Rate This Guide
How helpful was this guide? Click to rate: